Written and published the same day as Facebook gifted us with this (02/04/2011), and one day too late for April Fools, comes this little bit of crackfic that just the perfect level of cringe?
2 Years Ago
The magpie glared at him, piercing black eyes fixed on him like he was some piece of roadkill, something unworthy of her time. ‘I’m not Agency,’ she said, ‘so I don’t have to respect Agency law.’
Ryan felt himself sigh. The day had been long enough without...whatever in seven hells this was. Some sick game on Taylor’s part. Some weird power play. The woman was a pawn, obviously, there was no chance he actually saw her as a possible recruit. Gang member or not, she wasn’t combat-division material. She was barely recruit material. ‘Your former affiliation with-’
‘That is completely irrelevant now. He can’t keep me here, I know he can’t, so let’s cut the bullshit. I’ll make it worth your while, and you let me get the hell off that freak’s radar.’
He could just let her go, forgo the paperwork, forgo the extra work that would pile on top of paperwork already three days behind.
No. Duty had to be done. Procedure had to be followed. There had to be some procedure in all of this, even if it had begun with what accounted to either a kidnapping or an arrest for which no papers had been filed.
‘You’ve got three choices,’ Ryan said as he laid out three forms on his desk.
She stood and stared at each in turn. ‘I don’t have time for this-’ she started.
‘With your track record, the circumstances that you were brought in under,’ he said as he tapped a report, ‘and your apparent lack of cooperation in the matter, we can’t just let you walk away. Option one, incarceration for a year. Option two, level three tracking for two years. Option three-’
‘Don’t even say it.’
‘Be his recruit.’
‘Can I give a giant fuck you to all of those options?’
‘You can do as you want, Miss Hammond.’
She stared down at the paperwork, and a smile played out on her lips, and she picked up the first folder. ‘I’ll take this option, Agent.’
‘Incarceration the most pleasant experience, Miss Hammond.’
The smile became wider. ‘This is the form to be designated as a prison guard, Agent.’ She pulled the pen from his hand and swiped her signature across the bottom. ‘Excellent pay in fairy gold, the ability to require, and immunity for my previous activities, sounds perfect.’
He firmly pulled the form from her hand and tore it up. ‘I-’
‘You required dash-J, you needed dash-B.’
‘Nonetheless,’ he said, ‘you need to-’
She rounded his desk and began to pick up various pieces of paper. ‘Your Aide sucks,’ she said, ‘and why are you doing Field’s paperwork?’
‘I don’t have an Aide.’
She turned to look at him. ‘And why the hell not?’
He looked away for a moment. ‘I just don’t.’
She shuffled some of the papers on his desk, and began to sort them into pile.
‘Don’t-’ he said as he reached for the sheaf of papers.
She stepped back out of range of his grasping hand. ‘It’s just paperwork, Agent, don’t be so precious with it.’
‘I need to get those finished.’
‘You are finished, Agent, you couldn’t even require the right form to send me to jail.’
‘Miss Hammond, if you-’
‘You’re a Director without an Aide, that doesn’t happen often, or...at all. What’s wrong with you?’
‘You-’
She pouted. ‘It’s just a little question, just answer it?’
‘No one has asked for the position.’
She looked him up and down. ‘You’re good-looking enough, why aren’t there a variety of people lining up asking for various positions?’
‘Innuendo aside, Miss Hammond.’ He looked away, to the empty corners of his office, to the desk devoid of photos, of personal touches. ‘I don’t let people get close.’
‘Recruit me yourself,’ she said as she leaned against his desk. ‘You need someone to help you with all of this mess.’
‘I don’t.’
She pressed a finger into his chest. ‘You do, now don’t argue with me.’ He moved to push the finger away, but she pressed it harder against his chest. ‘Don’t argue with me.’
He swallowed. ‘Your Agency knowledge is out of date.’
She licked her lips. ‘I’m a fast learner. It’s one of my talents.’
‘I can’t.’
She flattened her palm against his chest and leaned closer. ‘It’s just a matter of letting go. You’re so pent up. Just...let yourself go. I can help you.’ She slid her other hand up onto his cheek, and brought her face closer to his. ‘You need me.’
He stared at her for a moment, then kissed her.
He felt her melt against him, and heard the soft moan of pain as she moved on an uncomfortable angle for her cracked rib. She was injured. She was someone that needed to leave the Agency, she was-
He shifted across the room, and heard her fall against his chair.
He wiped his mouth, and stared at the door. ‘I apologise,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean-’
‘Yeah, because that was accidental,’ she said, sarcasm heavy in her voice. ‘You-’
‘I haven’t been-’
‘Laid in oh-so-long, yeah, I can see that. I can also fix that.’
‘There’s no paperwork to prove you were ever here, we can forgo the incarceration for now, if you-’
Her hands pressed against his back. ‘So, you want to move straight to cuffs?’
He stepped away from her. ‘I was...I haven’t been touched by a woman in a long time, I forgot my place, I apologise, Miss Hammond.’
‘Do you hear me complaining, Agent?’
‘I’ll arrange to have your injuries healed, we’ll provide a small inconvenience payment, and then-’
‘And then your paperwork will still be all over that desk, won’t it?’
He turned to look at her. ‘You don’t want this position.’
She gave him a sly grin. ‘Let me decide the positions.’ She gave a shrug of slim shoulders. ‘Whatever I do, that big freak is going to be looking for me, so that means I’ve got to do something legal, not a lot of options with my resume in the state that it is. I know the Agency, and I’m good, so give me a chance. All I want in return is somewhere warm to sleep – and I would prefer not to be alone.’
‘I had to kill my last lover.’
‘If I become your combat agent’s recruit, I’ll be dead inside a week, I’d wager I’ll last at least double with you.’
‘This is-’
‘Just say yes, Agent.’
He closed his eyes. ‘Yes.’
...
...
And then they had crazy monkey sex in the elevator.
